Dear Ruby

Dear Ruby,

I’ve always wanted to be a Mother, I felt it in my core. I thought I might even get a sperm donor if I was still single in my mid-30s. This isn’t to discount my relationship with your amazing Dad, but rather to illustrate to you how deep this need was for me. I didn’t know who I was going to be a mother to but now I can’t imagine being a mother to anyone else but you. The journey you have taken us on has been beautiful, difficult, heart-wrenching, emotional and enlightening, I always think to myself I’m so glad it was us that you chose to hold your hand through this journey. When I was pregnant and we found out about your CHD we thought how unlucky, how could this happen to us? We tried to do everything right, we had good healthy intentions and lives, why did this happen to you? But we were strong, we had each other and we ultimately got through everything together. 

In the last year, I have reflected back on my pregnancy and birth story with you. I wondered why I had identified as a mother before actually becoming a mother and I knew it was partially from the bond I had with my Mom, your Granny, and the loving, respectful relationship I saw my parents had with their Mothers. I realised I felt a pull into motherhood to be in a community, to be a part of something bigger than me. I aspired to be selfless for my child, to care for them wholeheartedly and be depended on. I longed to be a Mother to understand, help and confide in other Mothers in need. I didn’t really know I needed to go through the hardship we went through to truly understand it. I have no regrets, no wish that it happened to anyone other than us, (probably easier to say now that we are on the other side). I feel like the shit stuff we all went through happened to us for a reason and to let me learn how to help others in situations like this and to illustrate to you, Ruby, what a hero you are. 

I hope we can teach you how to treat people, and how to have compassion and empathy for people throughout your life as you never know what someone is going through. Helping people is something your Dad and I feel very strongly about and maybe that’s what brought us together, the longing to give back. 

I couldn’t be who I am today and extend all of me to others without a partner who supports me unconditionally. Sometimes I give my all to others and have nothing left to give to him and he always stands by my side. Thank you to my soul mate for letting me give and continue to give. 

Thank you for being our why Ruby. We love you more than you’ll ever know. You give us purpose. 

Arohanui forever and ever, 

Your Māmā.